Emoti-cons

Emoticons.

We all know what they are.

Stupid smilies and awkward hearts.

Emoti-cons.

What the heck is that?

It is my long held view that emotions are a big "con" in my life. You know - like pros and cons. Emotions are a con. Why? Because they leave me feeling like less than I really am. The stronger ones are the awful ones.

Over the last few years I have been able to not think of emotions in quite the same negative way I did when I was young. When I was a teen, I did not even like thinking deeply on things because it only brought pain. The aloof father. The over-expressed feelings toward the opposite sex. The fact that I was not in a place spiritually that was all that fulfilling. Those were the things that kept me from thinking, from feeling.

Now, I am thinking and feeling and it's a healthier existence, but (with two big cheeks) I am in no way completely on top of this whole emotion thing.

I tell my closest friends and mentors that I have a family history of mental illness. I tell them that I feel it creeping up on me. Ahh, the wild ride of mental illness; I'm on the long trek up that first hill, the one that drops off to a plunging drop of chemicals and puke. Here we go, homeboys. I hope you like secondhand cookies.

This maybe sounds more depressing than I really feel. I was there about a week ago, but my outlook is more positive right now. I could just be lazy now, which keeps me from performing all that well -compared with my own standard- as of late. Even now, I put off the tasks that I have been trying to get to for days.

At least I don't feel like crying for no reason at present.

Davidic Psalm twist time: But the Lord is good. Whatever happens to me is in his will, by his hand. Jesus, save me evermore. You are worthy of all praise, honor, and glory because of who you are and all you have done. Without you, dear Lord, I would have nothing worth striving for, nothing worth thriving for. You are my all, and let me know it for sure. I cannot forget you any longer. I must be yours now and forever. Amen.